Now Playing Tracks

Did you know

That even if you know boys are fucking up your thought process, you can’t stop it. I’m on the verge of wanting to cry and it’s only because there are so many guys here and my brain keeps wanting them to be interested in me even though I know I don’t want this

It’s taboo to admit that you’re lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven’t left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. Ha ha, funny. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you’re not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are.

A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn’t transition well to adult life, that you’d fall right through the cracks. And look at you now. La di da, it’s happening.

Your mother, your father, your grandparents: they all look at you like you’re some prized jewel and they tell you over and over again just how lucky you are to be young and have your whole life ahead of you. “Getting old ain’t for sissies,” your father tells you wearily.

You wish they’d stop saying these things to you because all it does is fill you with guilt and panic. All it does is remind you of how much you’re not taking advantage of your youth.

You want to kiss all kinds of different people, you want to wake up in a stranger’s bed maybe once or twice just to see if it feels good to feel nothing, you want to have a group of friends that feels like a tribe, a bonafide family. You want to go from one place to the next constantly and have your weekends feel like one long epic day. You want to dance to stupid music in your stupid room and have a nice job that doesn’t get in the way of living your life too much. You want to be less scared, less anxious, and more willing. Because if you’re closed off now, you can only imagine what you’ll be like later.

Every day you vow to change some aspect of your life and every day you fail. At this point, you’re starting to question your own power as a human being. As of right now, your fears have you beat. They’re the ones that are holding your twenties hostage.

Stop thinking that everyone is having more sex than you, that everyone has more friends than you, that everyone out is having more fun than you. Not because it’s not true (it might be!) but because that kind of thinking leaves you frozen. You’ve already spent enough time feeling like you’re stuck, like you’re watching your life fall through you like a fast dissolve and you’re unable to hold on to anything.

I don’t know if you ever get better. I don’t know if a person can just wake up one day and decide to be an active participant in their life. I’d like to think so. I’d like to think that people get better each and every day but that’s not really true. People get worse and it’s their stories that end up getting forgotten because we can’t stand an unhappy ending. The sick have to get better. Our normalcy depends upon it.

You have to value yourself. You have to want great things for your life. This sort of shit doesn’t happen overnight but it can and will happen if you want it.

Do you want it bad enough? Does the fear of being filled with regret in your thirties trump your fear of living today?

We shall see.

You’re Not Making The Most Of Your 20s by Ryan O’Connell  (via girlsjunk)

(Source: neonenjoysign)

Update on the big things in my life.

I’ve found a name for my album and officially have 13 songs for it. Including the song version of my poem which the band that I am working with is obsessed with that song in particular. I think you’ll all love it. So I’ve recorded a few of the songs and I’ll post it all when I’m done. It’s coming and I really think that everyone who follows me will love the album. 

My book. I think I am finally okay with where it’s at. I don’t feel like it needs anything or is missing anything. I’m currently finding someone to proofread it before I start sending it out to agents. If agents don’t want it, I’ll self publish eventually but I’m looking for some progress on that within the year. 

My job is still pretty good. It’s difficult and I love it but I know I don’t want to do this forever. Now more than ever I would love to make a living doing creative things. It’s weird because I want to do it all but I don’t know. It doesn’t matter right now, right now I just go to work all the time. I have been working a lot of overtime and I’m doing good. There have been a ton of very difficult and interesting situations but even my supervisors have told me that I handle things well. So I’m not worried. 

Boys. I don’t have time to worry about this nonsense but I still do nonetheless, especially since this band that I hang out with and sing for is all guys. They are all amazing and talented and even though I am content with being friends, my brain is still trying to figure out how much they’re into me. I want my brain to stop that bullshit because it’s just annoying and not fair because I don’t even. Just. I can’t explain it. It’s just pissing me off and making me feel dumb. 

Family wise, my older brother got engaged. I like his girlfriend so that’s cool. She makes him better. The only issues we’re going to have is that my brother still talks to my dad and so whenever they get married, I’m going to have to be around my dad. So… nightmares again? most likely. Luckily that’s probably a year or so away. I’m not going to worry about it yet.

Yeah. That’s it. My ask is always open for anything so message me :) I miss talking to you guys.

Physical abuse, as horrific as it is, is arguably easier to deal with than emotional abuse. You can see the damage, you can clearly identify when the blows come and where they land. You can watch the healing happen. You can put physical distance between yourself and your abuser, leave their fists behind, and watch the bruises fade and scars lighten. But emotional abuse, which is just as real and just as painful, is something altogether harder to recognize, easier to justify, more difficult to separate from – and the wounds are unable to be bandaged. The scars are harder to find and slower to heal. And too often, when we find ourselves in relationships – with lovers, family members, employers, or friends – that hurt us emotionally, we somehow find that just a little more tolerable.
How to Forget You’re Worth Loving (via thoughtcatalog)

(Source: ampersandsss)

To Tumblr, Love Pixel Union