The Definition of Fine

I want to hang out with people tonight

but I don’t want to bother anyone. I don’t want to sound needy…

I had this dream a couple of nights ago that I can’t get out of my head. 

I was with this really nice and cute guy that I know from school and we are hanging out and talking and we start kissing. Then we had sex, but the dream didn’t focus on that. He was super caring and loving about it and then afterwards we just held hands and he told me how pretty I was. Then he had to go play a soccer game or something and I went but got lost in the crowd. I was feeling nervous and doubtful that he actually liked me and I felt really alone. Then he called me and said to meet him at his apartment. So I went to the shuttle (at my school we have a shuttle that takes you from the school to the off campus apartments.) We weren’t at my college though, it was just some other place. Anywho, So I get on the shuttle and he is on it too. So we ride the shuttle to his apartment which is actually a house and he holds my hand while we walk. Then we get inside and there are some friends of ours just hanging out and we sit on other ends of the room not acting like a couple. But everyone knew anyway. So we all go into the next room and then him and I are holding hands again and being a couple. Then everyone starts to leave and we are alone again. I guess we had sex again, but once again, the dream wasn’t focused on that, it was kind of just a fact… then we just talked and I told him he was wonderful and he told me how much he loved me and then I woke up.

I can’t get over this dream for a couple of reasons. 

1. In my dreams I always weigh like 100lbs less than in real life, but in this dream I looked exactly like I am. It was kind of interesting, that’s all. 
2. I want to live in this dream. It’s everything that I want and my subconscious let me know what it feels like to have that. I don’t care about sex. Everyone these days is supposed to care about that, but I just want a pretty guy to hold my hand and tell me that he cares about me. I need someone who’s patient and makes me feel worthy of love because I never feel that someone someday will love me. 
3. My subconscious acknowledged my doubts and low self esteem. As I was lost in that crowd I just kept thinking about how it must have just been about the sex and no one that nice and pretty could ever actually love me. But those were put aside when he held my hand again and looked at me like I was his whole world. 

I’ve been trying to make myself have this dream again every night but to no avail. I just loved the feeling it gave me when I was asleep. But when I woke up I felt alone. 

Normally my dreams are nightmares or just really weird and creepy. But this one was great until I woke up.

Sorry if I don’t post a lot. I don’t have internet at my house right now.

My talent: self loathing.

I’m currently upset with myself because I drunk texted my friend Kenny last night. It’s not a big deal and he said not to worry about it because it really wasn’t a problem. Basically I just was saying I was drunk and blah blah blah. But I also was being needy and stupid. I mentioned something about needing someone to love me and also apologized because he was taking care of drunk me even though he wasn’t actually here with me. He’s a great guy and wouldn’t ever mention it when I see him next, it’s just what is bothering me personally.

I hate that I am so needy. A lot of people know some of the things I’ve been through. I really don’t keep some things a secret. People know that my dad was abusive, some know I’ve had depression for 11 years. My mom was always baffled about how I could share these kinds of things with people and the thing that she and others don’t understand is that the previous statements are just facts. I don’t share how fucked up I really am. People don’t know that. I go to great lengths to hide just how utterly broken I have been and still am. I know I’ve been getting better, but I don’t see a future where I am over everything. I don’t see a future without depression, medication and therapists. I HATE it when I let people see that I am a complete mess. I don’t show that to just anyone. And even when I do let someone in on that respect, I still feel like shit for it. And even though it was just drunk texting and what not, I still am mad at myself because I let down the wall again that I build up for everyone. I don’t really even let Mary in. Or Jose. And I love that boy to pieces. He has seen me be a complete mess once when I finally told him that I was in love with Marco. He was the first person I told and I just was lying in my bed sobbing as I told him. I mean it was a fucked up day. But even just this past year, when I was on my bedroom floor sobbing and bleeding for 20 minutes from deep cuts, I didn’t call ANYONE. I could have called so many different people. I almost called Kenny, but it was 3 in the morning and I couldn’t even breathe let alone talk on the phone. I don’t call people when I get like that. I don’t let people see that. It’s ugly and horrid and I best keep that to myself. I spend my days trying to get people to trust, respect, or even just like me. If I let on to anyone just how I spend the majority of my nights, it would change how everyone thinks of me and I don’t want them to know. I can’t live like that. But I can’t live like this either. I need people. But I hate needing them. I don’t know how to properly handle needing others. So I just pretend I’m fine. When people ask how I’ve been doing, I say I’m doing better, but I would never tell them about the actual insane fight that takes place in my mind on a daily basis. The hatred that I have towards myself is enormous. I really do not like to look at myself in the mirror or in pictures. I hate everything I was, everything I am and everything I’ve done. Sure I am talented. I am really good at so many things. But basic human emotions and functioning? I suck at that. I kind of just want to be someone else. But there’s no point in wishing or hoping for something so stupid. 

I just really do hate myself. I’m good at faking it. I even forget sometimes just how much self loathing I actually have. But then of course, I remember and write a huge tumblr post about it. So sorry. I really don’t know why anyone would read this. I’m not worth people’s time. I’m not worth my own time. That doesn’t make sense. But it’s how I feel and I can’t hide it all the time. Just the majority of the time. 

I really kind of hate myself right now.

but I don’t know how to cry anymore. It’s not happening.